Getting Past Fear to a Happier Place

If we practice the art of mindful living, when unexpected changes happen, we have a more stable ground from which to face our fears and regain balance.  When things happen to shift our world, we need to know how to come back to our center.

Everywhere we turn, people are talking about the economy.  There is a toxic level of fear and uncertainty that makes it hard for us to relax.  Many people are getting laid off from their jobs or experiencing a down turn.  Many people have lost half or more of their retirement money.  We are going through an unraveling period that is shared by everyone.  While it’s not such a happy place, we realize once again that we are all in this boat together.  It’s important to remember how to regain our balance.  Once a shock has been absorbed, we begin to get back to a happier place.

Be Gentle with Yourself

If you just got laid off, for example, the temptation is to blame yourself, or to regret something you did or didn’t do.  The sudden shock—even if you were expecting the news—renders you helpless for a little while.  Because you are not yet clear about how you are going to handle this change, it’s natural to experience immediate fear about paying your bills and taking care of yourself and your family.  You have to go through the shock, recognize the challenge, and--trust that what you need will eventually appear.

What’s important is that you work with your fear or with your uncertainty in a positive way—to bring you back into wholeness.  In the past, when I lost a job (I was forever getting laid off in those days) it felt like losing a body part.  It was as if a black hole opened up and I had fallen inside.  I felt as if I had disappeared.

In a new situation, it’s important to start with gentleness—to yourself, first, and then to those around you.  Slowly, as you adjust to this new level, you’ll find a second wind.  Your instinct may be to get back into the harness and frantically start looking for another job.  However, this is one of your life’s opportunities to step back a bit, run your mind over your past few years, and reassess where you are and what you want now.  It’s natural to try to reinstate the past as quickly as possible, and yet, for every change there is a purpose.  When we find ourselves arguing with circumstances, blaming, rationalizing, or getting depressed, we are lost in the chatter of our own ego.  I love what Joseph Campbell, the great mythologist, says in his book, The Power of Myth:

“What is important in each of us is the seed of consciousness which is released in changes and transformation.  As long as we hang on to our ego, our personal problems, we can’t hear the voice of the universe.”

In my seminars on fear, change, and life purpose, I have people answer a few questions and then discuss them with a partner in the class.  I originally learned the following technique from Angeles Arrien, an author and cross-cultural anthropologist.

If you are feeling fearful, stuck, or uncertain about the future, you may want to jot down some answers to the following questions.  Notice if any ‘seeds’ of intuition come to you now or even over the next few days.  You may want to save this exercise for a time when you are not going to be interrupted by outside activities.

What’s My Story? 

Write down your answers to each question in the two sections below before scrolling down further.  (Write your answers on a blank sheet of paper.) When you are finished scroll down to the section marked KEYS.

My Understanding of my Current Situation. Describe your situation in five statements. 
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

My Current Top Fears. Describe five fears you have right now.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

KEYS

My Understanding of my Current Situation

1. 1. Your first response reflects how you might communicate your story to a friend or colleague. It’s likely to be, however, a superficial insight.  It’s your unexamined, obvious, generally accepted understanding.  This is the story you generally feel comfortable telling to others, but it is not the whole story.  This is the safe and expected story or explanation that limits you to a fixed position.
2. 2. Your response in this second position represents an insight that reveals a part of yourself that is strong enough to handle the situation, despite your fears about it.
3. 3. This third point is the real thing or issue that you  need to work on.
4. 4. This answer reveals a part of your situation that may provide an unexpected benefit that motivates you to move in a positive direction.  Take a further look at this point and write down any thoughts that arise, even ones that sound crazy.  Look for the germ of truth or creative spark.
5. 5. This last answer indicates an area that you are not yet ready to handle, so don’t worry about it just yet.  At a later time, you may even receive unexpected help that will surprise you.
   

My Current Top Fears

1. 1. This is a commonly expressed fear, but is not your deepest fear. You know this fear very well.  This fear may have originated early in your life— instilled by your parents out of their fear.  Many people share this fear.
2. 2. This fear is not going to hold you back. You have a special way of dealing with this fear.  You cannot be easily defeated once you start becoming creative, and once you remember a special area of strength or expertise that you may have forgotten you have.
3. 3. This is the place to start.  Trust your first instinct for handling this fear.  Ask yourself, What one step could I take to work around or through this fear?  What are you willing to do now about it?  Write down all the options you can think of for handling this fear, even crazy-sounding ones.  Look for the germ of inspiration in each one—even the crazy-sounding ones-- that could produce positive results.
4. 4. This fear could prompt you to extend your comfort zone. Working on this fear might help you learn something new that gives unexpected benefits.
5. 5. You may not want to start with this fear, as you instinctively realize there is more here than you are ready to deal with right now.  However, when you feel better and see some progress, this fear could be easily handled.
   

Writing a List of What You Want or Need--on Paper--Creates a Powerful Intention

As you go forward, remember to write down exactly what you want now.  If you are looking for work, start by describing on paper an ideal situation—as if you were writing your own ideal job description.  Write down the type of ideal duties or services you would provide, the kind of people you like to work with, a minimum figure + for your ideal wages, and the ideal location.  Read it over once a day for a few seconds, and then forget about it. 

Follow any hunches you have over the next few weeks.  Keep yourself relaxed and active by walking, taking time to chat with people, and enjoying life.   You may even come to see the silver lining!  When you do, shoot me an email and share your insights.